From the chapter: “Friends and Family”

“I remember not wanting to wash Darren’s laundry or his pillowcase, because they still smelled like him. Trying to hold on to something, I curled up and cried on his pillow every night because it smelled like his hair products and cologne. I would also go into his closet and bury my face in the shirt he had worn to work the morning of the accident and just sob. How could he be gone? I could still smell him. This was one of the last remaining parts of him. So, my mom had to wash his clothes and my sheets for me. I was too much of a wreck. I kept waiting for him to walk through the doorway every night at his usual time, but he never did.

My mom said I took a lot of baths and showers and cranked the music, but she could still hear me crying over the music from other parts of the house. The first time I cried in the shower after Darren died, it was a cry I’d never cried before. I stood there wailing so hard that I could barely breathe and I felt like my insides were withering up. I felt so weak that I slowly slid down to the shower floor, melting like the Wicked Witch in “The Wizard of Oz.” I curled up in the fetal position, sobbing for what seemed like hours, as the water pelted me from above, becoming one with my tears. Sad lyrics filled the room, making me cry harder. I had no idea how I was going to get through this. I just wanted the pain in my heart to stop, or my heart to stop.”

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From the chapter: “Depression”

“Soon after Darren died, I actually contemplated suicide. I wasn’t the only one; his parents felt the same way, but they had a daughter to think about. I felt as though I no longer had anything to live for, and that my life was over. I would never be happy again. I thought about driving my car off a bridge or into a tree, so I could be with Darren again in the afterlife- if there was one. Then I realized that I might not be successful in the attempt. I might end up a paraplegic compounding my grief and suffering. Probably not a good plan. Plus, I was unsure of the consequences of suicide in the afterlife, and didn’t want to chance not being able to be with Darren after resorting to such a desperate act.

One night, I had a very vivid dream about trying to kill myself by lying on a railroad track and waiting for a train to come by and kill me. I saw the train approaching in the distance. At that moment, Darren appeared, walked over to me and lifted me up off of the tracks, saying “You can’t come yet. It’s not your time. You have more to do here.” I was crying as he held me in his arms and I told him that I didn’t want to live without him. I could smell him, hear his voice, and feel his body against mine. I woke up, wet with tears. I had actually been crying in my sleep. I cried even harder then, because I realized that Darren wasn’t really there with me, even though it felt so real. I knew then that I could never kill myself, because I would never want the people I loved to feel the way I felt now. I knew that when it came right down to it, I could never really end my own life. Still, I wanted to end this emotional pain, and there was no end in sight. I so desperately wanted to be with Darren again, and death seemed to be the only way we could be together.”

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From the chapter: “The Quest Continues”

“My true spiritual transformation began when I read the book Talking to Heaven, by spiritual medium James Van Praagh, which I referred to earlier. Reading this book was an epiphany for me, an awakening to the truth. It was a real eye-opener to new possibilities for me. I felt such a sense of peace after reading it. From that point on, I was fascinated with and drawn to the spirit world.

I was desperate to have my own reading by a medium, but I didn’t want to be taken for a ride by some fraud who takes advantage of innocent grieving people. I wanted the real thing. I had to try this if it really was possible to communicate with Darren. I had so many unanswered questions, and no chance to say good-bye. I also wanted proof that the spirit lives on. I needed to know for certain that heaven was not just another fairy tale; but unlike Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy, you have to wait until you are dead to find out that it is not real. That would just be way too cruel.

Although my grief left me emotionally vulnerable, I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck. I was an intelligent, educated person. I used to think that only weirdoes were into this type of thing. Now, I realized that people who seek assistance from mediums are those who have lost someone they loved. Who else would have the desire to talk to dead people? Love is the driving force here. Unfortunately, the unscrupulous charlatans out there spoil it for the truly gifted mediums. I needed to be cautious.”

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From the chapter: “My First Reading with a Spiritual Medium- Brian E. Hurst”

“Hello!!! Just because Brian didn’t tell me exactly what I wanted to hear does not change the validity of the messages that did come through. What are the odds of him hitting on all of those personal items, including things I wasn’t even aware of? In my heart, I knew that it was Darren that came through, and that the information that Brian shared could have only come from the other side, not by any amount of thorough detective work. It wasn’t so much that the messages themselves had so much meaning, but that a total stranger could give me such personal details, and reveal so many facts that I was not aware of at the time of the reading.

This was my proof that there is truly something beyond this life. I feel that my first reading had to be very factual in order for my skeptical mind to believe that this was real. I needed tangible proof. I needed facts; names, places, events, and I got it. I now knew for certain that Darren was on the other side, with other loved ones, and that he was fine. This knowledge gave me peace and closure, and helped me grasp the bigger picture of what life and death are all about. Years of therapy couldn’t have done what this reading had done for me! It gave me an immeasurable amount of tranquility.”

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From the chapter: “The Touch Lamp”

“I decided I needed to challenge Darren. One night, while rocking Trevor to sleep, I was talking to Darren (as I often did), and said “Okay, Darren, if this is really you turning on the light in Trevor’s room, please do it tonight, so I know for sure that you’re with me. Please, I’m begging you; turn it on again tonight if it has really been you doing it.”

The next morning Matt looked in on Trevor before going to work. He came back into our bedroom and said “That light is on in Trevor’s room again!” I sat up in bed and said, “What?!” Matt was surprised to see me move so quickly in the morning. After I told him why it was so significant, that I had asked for it to come on, he began to believe my theory; but I think it was creepy for him to think that my late husband was in our house, fiddling with a touch lamp.”

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Also from the chapter: “The Touch Lamp”

“This type of spontaneous direct contact, as opposed to communication through a medium, is much more personal, and it gave me a different kind of comfort. It didn’t happen regularly however, until I began asking for signs, and then believing they were real and not dismissing them as something else. Awareness and an open mind are the keys to connecting with spiritual energy. I’ve learned that I don’t need a medium to connect to Darren on the other side. For my own healing it was important to experience both types of after-death contact. It was one thing to have a total stranger confirm the existence of the spirits of my loved ones on the other side, and quite another to personally see that proof demonstrated in my life.

My relationship with Darren did not end with his death. My views of life and death have been forever altered by these experiences and I can’t imagine the emotional pain I would still be in had I not experienced them. Darren is not sitting on some cloud somewhere unreachable playing a harp, as my skewed former ideas of heaven would have had me believe. He is right here, whenever I need him and will always be a part of me. Even though he is no longer here physically, I know he is with me and my family spiritually, helping us in oh, so many ways.”